


Should I Break Up with My Vampire Boyfriend?

by EmeraldAshes



Series: Bella Swan Is So Done with This Bullshit [1]
Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types
Genre: Bad Advice, Bella Kinda Wants Edward and Reeeeaally Wants to Be a Vampire, Bella Swan with a Backbone, Crack, Female Friendship, Fluff and Crack, Friendship, Gen, Humor, It's more of a fond lampooning, Kiiind of?, Let's Assume Everyone Is OOC Because I Was Never That Into Twilight TBH, Mean Girls Vibes, Out of Character Bella Swan, Relationship Advice, Twilight Parody, Twilight Spitefic, total crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-17 08:47:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28722342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmeraldAshes/pseuds/EmeraldAshes
Summary: “Is it wrong to lead a guy on because you want to be immortal?”Bella asks some not-so-hypothetical questions and gets some highly-questionable relationship advice from Jessica and Angela.
Relationships: Edward Cullen/Bella Swan (background)
Series: Bella Swan Is So Done with This Bullshit [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2194512
Comments: 9
Kudos: 81





	Should I Break Up with My Vampire Boyfriend?

**Author's Note:**

> This if a fluffy little crack fic, which comes down to two concepts:
> 
> 1) It would be really hard to break up with a guy if he was your one shot at literal fucking immortality.
> 
> 2) If any of my friends had a boyfriend dump them, leave them catatonic, and then suddenly start dating them again, I would hate his guts.

Bella had thought that everything would be fixed if she could just get Edward back. But things were different now. 

No. 

She was different. 

Bella had grown up, at least a little, but the Cullens were exactly the same. She wasn’t sure she fit in with them anymore. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to. They had welcomed her into the family and then thrown her out at Edward’s say-so. She had tried to forgive them, to forgive  _ him _ , but honestly? She was furious. There was just one thing holding her back —

Jessica snapped her fingers in front of Bella’s face. “You wanna come down from outer space or…?”

“Uh, yeah, i-it’ll look good on you,” Bella stuttered out, still half in thought.

Jessica sat primly on her cafeteria chair, her lips pursed. “ _ What  _ will look good on me?”

“Weren’t we talking about homecoming dresses?”

“That was ten minutes ago,” Angela said with a worried frown.

Jessica raised an eyebrow. “Okay, this is getting ridiculous. Bella, I consider you one of my besties, even though you constantly ditch me for cooler people.”

“Sorry,” Bella muttered. ”I…”

Jessica cut her off. “It’s whatever. I’m not, like, bitter or anything. I would ditch you guys for cooler people, too.”

Angela said, “You would?” 

“Don’t take it personally, Angie. Bella gets it. That’s why we’re such good friends.”

“Right,” Bella said flatly.

“Anyways, you know I’m only saying this because I care...What the hell is wrong with you?”

Bella poked at the dry spaghetti piled on her cafeteria tray. “There’s nothing wrong with me.”

Jessica crossed her arms. “Oh, please. You haven’t been this out of it since Edward broke up with you last year.”

“The jerk,” Angela chimed in.

“Total jerk,” Jessica agreed. “But you two are dating again — and being totally disgusting about it, by the way. Don’t think I don’t know that the only reason you’re sitting with us right now is because the Cullens are out canoeing or something.”

Bella dredged up the latest Cullen family excuse for avoiding sunlight. “Kayaking.”

“Exactly!” Jessica jabbed a finger at her. “So seriously, what are you freaking out about?”

“It’s—”

Jessica narrowed her eyes. “Don’t you dare say ‘nothing.’”

Bella huffed, staring back sullenly. She couldn’t talk about the whole vampire thing with people who didn’t know, but the people who did know were biased. Would it be so bad if she got some relationship advice from someone who wasn’t her boyfriend’s sister? 

Finally, Bella said, “Is it wrong to lead a guy on because you want to be immortal?”

Jessica literally laughed in her face. “You are such a weirdo.”

Bella sputtered, “You asked what I was thinking!”

Jessica leaned back, still giggling. “Yeah, because I’m an amazing friend, and I thought you were, like, pregnant.”

“Not that you look pregnant,” Angela quickly added.

Bella groaned. “Oh my God. I haven’t even had s...Wait. Um, can you just forget I said that?”

Jessica’s eyes lit up. “Now, _ that  _ is worth freaking out over. Never?”

“He’s super Christian,” Bella muttered. “But about my question. Y’know. The hypothetical one?”

Jessica said, “Okay, fine. Are we talking, like, sexy immortal or shriveled old lady with one eye immortal?”

“Sexy immortal.”

“Oh, definitely, then. You’d be stupid not to.”

Bella stared down at her untouched cafeteria tray. “But it would still be bad, right?”

“It does seem dishonest,” Angela said.

Jessica’s words dripped disdain. “You can’t put some dude’s feelings over your right to be undyingly gorgeous. That sort of self-sacrificing bullshit is why we need feminism.”

“And other reasons,” Angela said.

Jessica dismissed her words with a flick of her hand. “We aren’t talking about those.”

Bella knew that she ought to eat something, but her stomach was in knots. “Would it be less bad if he broke your heart before? Would that...make it more okay?” 

“Wait,” Angela said. “In this hypothetical, is the guy Edward?”

“Uh…” Bella choked down a swig of her milk. “Yeah, sure. Why not?”

Angela nodded sharply. “Do it.”

Bella blinked. “Why?”

“Because he’s the worst,” Angela said. 

“The literal worst,” Jessica agreed.

“When he broke up with you, you just stared at a wall for three months. It was scary,” Angela added.

“I still have no idea how you passed, like, any of our classes,” Jessica said.

“In retrospect, that wasn’t really about him,” Bella said slowly. It was more about the whole ‘Oh my God, I’m going to grow old and die and possibly get eaten by a vampire’ thing.

“Seriously?” Jessica said.

“Yeah, no, it was personal stuff. I’m working on it,” Bella said. Mainly, she was working on it by trying to convince her boyfriend to make her a vampire.

“That’s good, I guess.” Based on her tone of voice, Angela was clearly not convinced.

Bella sat up straighter in her chair. This was actually helping. “Okay, so it wouldn’t be the  _ worst _ thing to lead a guy on just so you can be immortal, but what if you also had to kill people and drink their blood?”

Jessica rolled her eyes. “Are you in a cult or something?”


End file.
